There’s a Formula to Being Resilient

Dr Ginsburg, child pediatrician and human development expert, proposes that there are 7 integral and interrelated components that make up being resilient – competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping and control

Here’s what I took away from this snippet of information I read somewhere. I think it came from The Body Keeps the Score, but don’t quote me on that. Whenever I read, listen to, or have a thought about something that I feel like I need to share I slap it in my notes quick.

Competence - the ability to do something successfully or efficiently. In this instance I think it’s talking about being able to assess your emotional state. For a long time, I didn’t even know when I was stressed, (full disclosure, still mostly suck at this, but getting better). When we bought our house I was like yes we did it. We moved, we signed the paper work, we started unpacking, all was well, happy happy joy joy. Then we came home from the closing & I no less than shut the front door and immediately overcome with excruciating abdominal pain, fatigue so bad I could’ve slept for three days straight, & nausea so strong I almost passed out. Hashtag stressed. I had been running on adrenaline and cortisol, more than my average (been running on that for my entire life) for 6 weeks while we scrambled to get everything situated and dealt with that back and forth from the financial institution & the under writer. I didn’t even know I was stressed, in fact, I was immensely proud of myself for being such a cool, calm, collected human being in such a time of chaos. JOKES ON ME. I had been suppressing a kidney infection for nearly 3 months because of how much stress I was under, & I didn’t even know it. So that feeling a utter death when I walked into our new home, yeah well that was the kidney infection saying HEY THERE PAL CAN YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME NOW. It ended up taking multiple rounds of antibiotics to kick it to the curb. Moral of the story, don’t do that to yourself. Nothing is so important that you need to stress yourself into literal agonizing pain.

Confidence - the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something. AKA, stop thinking that you can’t do anything because you are a very capable human being with so many wondrous talents. Maybe you just haven’t discovered them yet. I didn’t know I was good at half the stuff I am until I actually started doing it. Imagine that. When you say it out loud it sound like common sense. But it wasn’t that easy for me. Mom life and wife life. That was my duty in my head. My husband encouraged me to find hobbies & things that I enjoyed, but I was completely clueless to what those would be. I had become so engulfed in my two roles that I completely forgot who I was and what I loved. So sugar plum, honey bun, find something you love, believe in yourself, discover your differences and wear them in confidence. It will draw all the right people to you. I can bet you all of my personal belongings, I wouldn’t have the friends I do if I were hiding my absolutely weird personality. No for real, if you ever see them, ask them how they met me. You’ll keel over laughing.

Connection - a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else. SHA-BOOM. What I just said. Be weird. It will draw the right people to you. Pinky swear. Enough said. Because here’s the thing, if you are quiet and hiding all your weird quirks, they aren’t going to know to facetime you and sing you a song in a weird accent, or pretend to be chow from the hangover, when you’re sad. So be weird. Because the people who are weird with you will lift you up when you’re down & they will know exactly how to motivate you and love you.

Character - the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual. Know your values. What do you stand for, what do you stand again. Don’t participate in things that you feel are morally wrong, because what’s going to happen afterward. Guilt. And guilt creates shame and the shame cycle beings. So save yourself the trouble. Creating boundaries for myself was really REALLY difficult in the beginning of healing. Sticking to them EVEN HARDER. But once I started I realized how much worrying about and participating in things that didn’t serve me and my values was dragging me down. Boundaries are hard, but sister, they are necessary. And even if you are close to someone who has different values and opinions than you, you can still be friends. That’s what boundaries are for. In my friendships and relationships, certain things aren’t brought up in conversations because we respect each other & we both know that if we had a question about the others thought, we can just ask. Boundaries. Values. Morals. Make them & stick to them. And reassess them every once in a while. It’s okay if they change as your life season changes!

Contribution - the part played by a person or thing in bringing about a result or helping something to advance. This is the wear your weird on your sleeve part again. Being authentically you brings way more light to the world that being who you think you’re supposed to because joe shmo said. TRUST ME, I’ve made way more impact being weird and different than I ever did hiding in a shell. A contribution doesn’t have to be money or even time. Being yourself and making someone laugh or feel loved is adding light to the world too.

Coping - dealing effectively with something difficult. We’ve all heard of coping skills. There are good ones and bad ones. I’ve grew up with bad ones. Drinking at a young age to feel in control (which makes no sense because I was quite literally out of control), shoving all of it down so I didn’t have to deal with it (but having to deal with that and much more later because I would blow a top and do something outlandish), blaming others (burning bridges with people who actually did care about me), you get the idea. Those are not good coping skills. Here are some of the coping skills I’ve developed in the last two years. BREATHING. I always thought the term “take a breathe” was ridiculous, but turns out if you focus on something as simple as breathing, it can draw you back into reality & you realize you aren’t in danger & you don’t need to go into panic mode. Allowing myself to feel my feels. Even if it means I’m deflated for the day and I have 27 closet cries. Because it’s better than the inevitable cycle that happens after you shove it down, you blow your lid & feel guilty for doing so. I have more but probably my favorite one & my most recommended - THERAPY. Having a professional call you out on your shit is probably one of the most humbling experiences. I am my biggest problem. Hands down. Yes people have done shitty things to me, but how I react to them & process them, well that’s on me. I’ve learned to draw boundaries with others, but recently in therapy the topic of others drawing boundaries with me came up & I realized I still have a lot of work to do. Because if someone told me something I was doing was negatively effecting them or they needed some space, I would 10/10 overthink, try to fix, get completely down on myself & I’d probably get mad. Because I will admit that I’m not perfect and I have flaws, but the thought of someone else telling me that, mental meltdown. & I’ve managed to pinpoint why and I’m working on it, but this is already long enough so we can save that for another day.

THE LAST ONE. CONTROL - determine the behavior or supervise the running of. I have always needed to be in control & most of the time is was for selfish reasons & it was quite a negative experience. Growing up I had little control over what happened to me. So as I got older, I started taking control in negative ways. Mostly self destructive ways as mentioned before. I think realizing what I am in control of, myself, is probably the biggest keys to my mental health being stable. No seriously, it’s concerning how quickly you turn into a hot mess when you’re worrying about things that you can’t do anything about. My faith has been a huge part of this. My last post about doing what I can and God doing what he does, being a large part of my sanity. I can’t do everything for everyone. I can’t change people. But I can influence them by staying in control of my own emotions and actions.

When you’re in control of your emotions, when you have good coping skills, when you can manage your stress, be your true, authentic self, you truly do influence people to do the same. I have made so many connections by being vulnerable, weird, & loud. All of those things I was petrified of doing three years ago because I was made to feel like I had to protect those who have hurt me, my weirdness was wrong, & that my loud, boisterous personality didn’t fit in. And maybe it doesn’t fit into the “normal” society, but the people who surround me are my favorite & so I don’t want to fit in anywhere else then I do right now. I am resilient & so are you.